Lesson 1: 'Saying Goodbye is (not)Easy'

So, I moved to Ohio.  Two weeks ago, my boyfriend and I started to discuss the idea.  One week ago, we decided to do it.  Yesterday, I drove up with only what could fit in my car.

I refused to say "goodbye" to my friends and family and simply gave a nod and a "see ya later!" Because if you say goodbye, it feels permanent; if you say goodbye, it feels like we're done with our relationship.  But, I'm not done with those relationships.  I love those people so very much!  So "see ya later" would suffice.  Right? We'll keep in touch, and not much will change, right??  This will be EASY! Piece of cake, no second thought!

Yes, that's exactly what we'll try to do.  And by the grace of God, we will succeed.

But I can't help but to be reminded of relationships in the past-- people who have disappeared from my life for one reason or another.  I was still at the same school, in the same church, in the same town... and we drifted apart.  Whether it was people moving away, natural shifts in friend groups over the years, the effects of my parent's divorce, or just being bad at keeping in touch... I've had many friendships slowly become distant friendships, or friends who become "old friends".  Being "besties" with someone one day, and seemingly the next day only sharing mutual fond memories. It has caused me to become immune to relationships vanishing.

My loyalty didn't shift.  I'd still do anything for them, and I'd still love to spend hours with them.  But, somehow, they were gone. I never stopped to grieve what was happening; I just remained in denial and kept trucking forward. Sure, I'd look back nostalgically and miss the people that I still hold dear to my heart.  But, I never REALLY had to stop and think about it, cause I've always been busy being on to the next thing and good at making new friends.  I've never really felt like I was terribly lacking relationships...

This new adventure, which has caused me to say "goodbye" so easily and swiftly makes me wonder, "How can I expect to stay close to people who are 500+ miles away now, when I lost touch with people, just as dear to my heart, who were a lot closer than that?"

That might be a relevant thought that should be followed with some self-reflection that could lead to answers to how I can learn from my past and move forward in a healthier way.

But instead, with that thought, my mind spirals into believing a whirlwind of things about who I am -- Despite what I know about all the positive relationships I have...I think "I am a bad friend who doesn't love people well... and who isn't worth keeping in touch with anyhow."  Depressing, huh? [Not looking for sympathy or fishing for compliments... just hashing out my thought process]

With this line of thinking, I start letting my past define me.  I'm presented with an opportunity to examine the past and learn and move forward, yet Satan is presented with an opportunity to make me question my worthiness and identity.

By God's grace, I catch myself.  I realize that I'm letting myself think that my worthiness is defined by something/someone other than the Creator of the universe, and that I can be identified as somebody other than a child of God with whom He is well-pleased.   I'm forgetting that I am not longer defined by the circumstances of this world, but that the life I live here on earth has been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.

And guess what? Christ is really really good at relationships.  He's going to live in me, and through me, and He's going to help me love people.

The Lord is helping me (un)learn a lesson.  He is ready to teach me now.  He's ready to help me learn about this area of my heart.  Because He's showing that he's ready to break the pattern.

My experiences have made me "used to" goodbyes and have lied to me.  I learned from them that 'Saying Goodbye is Easy'.  But, it isn't easy.  It's stinkin' hard. Even when I pretend they aren't happening, and when I ignore or suppress the tears that they cause.

I was never supposed to deny that goodbyes are tough.  I was supposed to acknowledge that I need the Lord to help me with hard things.


"I need the Lord to help me with hard things."  What a simple thought.  What huge implications.  What a Savior.

My new blog that I probably won't actually keep up with because I'm a Perceiver and I don't have a lot of habits and I don't keep up with things like 'blogs' very well. But that doesn't meant I don't have things to say that (At least I think) are interesting. :)

Everyday I'm growing and learning.  Learning some pretty BIG small things.  And these things I'm learning, these little "a-ha!" moments from the Lord, are normally truths that contradict some of the things I've been letting affect the way I live my life.  So these new life lessons cause me to un-learn my old life lessons, and I receive so much freedom because of it.  I thought I'd document some of these little (un)learned lessons so I could look back on all the things I (un)learn, and remember the grace God has shown me.